My old familiar friend - the one who keeps me from jumping out of airplanes... from doing that cartwheel I promised I'd do last year... from ever hardcore pursuing True Embodiment... because, well, I might do it wrong.
And that might hurt.
We all handle fear in very different ways, so I know fear really isn't the primary issue - rather, my programming SURROUNDING fear is very much a downfall.
You see, I've always been the "play dead" girl... not the fight. Not the flight.
The play dead and hope no one sees me. At least, when I'm alone.
When anyone else is involved, I fight or fly beautifully, and always know just which one will "save" us, but when I'm alone... the fear of punishment is far too strong for me to act.
But today... today, I accomplished one of the goals I set for this year and got on the phone with a powerful coach (because yes, it's super helpful for coaches to have coaches - growth is necessary for continued success).
And for some reason, going into this call, I was shaking.
I mean, terrified.
So many things going through my mind - wanting to do this on my own, what if he doesn't understand, what if all of this is wrong and he leads me even further astray...
You guys, the Ego is a bully when it's freaking out.
You see, we - who we really are - don't actually experience fear.
But the Ego straight up panics.
And sometimes, fear is helpful.
Like that time I avoided a shop which turned out to belong to a sex trafficker because I felt fear and dread even looking at the place.
But most of the time, because we don't understand fear or how to use it, the Ego is able to use fear to keep us bound and in check.
To keep us controlled.
You see the Ego really isn't a bad guy/gal; he/she is just reaalllllyyy worried about our safety... and like the well-meaning helicopter parent, the Ego will do just about anything to keep us "safe," but it never realises how UNsafe safety can be.
What the Ego needs is a reality check - to be reminded that it is not in charge, and that it has a job to do... which doesn't involve controlling its Master.
And my Ego was very aware today that the topic of God and life purpose would come up in this call... and IT DID NOT want to go there.
My poor, sweet, misguided Ego is so afraid of feeling old pains from my past and of what might happen in the future, that she would be quite content if I languished right where I am, never accomplishing anything, consistently afraid of the God who made me.
But today, she lost yet another foothold in my mind (and I've been giving her some actual work she can help me with to make up for the loss).
For so much of the time since I've moved into the realms of metaphysics and spirituality, I have been so afraid that I might be doing something wrong... that at some point, God was going to get fed up and appear in front of me, Damascus-style, to tell me that I was misleading His people.
Even when I've had visions of God telling me that I'm doing EXACTLY what He/She wants, a very large part of me has struggled to believe it.
So much of what I now believe SEEMS to go against EVERYTHING I was taught as a child... and what's more - if I'm so good at so many things... how am I to know that I've chosen the RIGHT thing for me to be doing? What if it's the wrong thing? What if I'm making it all up and my intuition actually sucks... and I waste my entire fucking life?
*Someone is out there thinking "this chick is a coach?! She doesn't know anything!"
Save your comment, buddy; my Ego has already laid that one out for me in a four course dialogue. *
- Breathe -
What I was reminded of today is that none of those questions come from God.
And how do I know? Because God is not a God of fear.
And God is also not a God of confusion.
So I want to encourage you today... that if you've been looking at your life, wondering what you've done wrong... if you find yourself constantly apologising for everything and always assuming that you've made a mistake... I've been there, and you don't have to stay there.
God is not sitting around waiting for you to fuck up so that He/She can punish you.
In fact, when God looks at you, all He/She sees is the absolutely perfect, divine Creation that He/She created outside of time and space.
There is nothing you could do in this reality, within the confines of time, that would turn away God's love for you or that would cause God to desire to punish you or to see you as anything less than pure.
You heard that right - nothing.
God's love for you is unconditional - so there is NOTHING you could ever do to make God see you in any other way that His/Her own Divine Child.
Which means... there is nothing to fear... and anything your Ego brings up in order to control your life... is a lie.
All my Love,
Why do you call God He/She?
Because God is equally Masculine and Feminine Energy, perfectly combined.
So to call God only "He" is to undermine all that God is.