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I’m Mad at You for Not Seeing Me...But I’m Wearing a Mask so You Won’t Run Away

Ah.

Abandonment.


I’m honestly convinced that this core wound is on everyone’s list.


Maybe you, yourself were abandoned in some way... but if not, your abandonment wound may stem down from a parent... grandparent... or as far back as the Adam abandoned in the garden motif.


There’s an idea buried so deep inside most (if not all) of us that - if we expose our true selves, even to the ones we love, we will be left standing alone.


Obviously, this goes hand in hand with Rejection... but somehow Abandonment seems to go deeper - what if the ones who are SUPPOSED to love us... can’t even look at us when we’ve bared our souls?


Not a Rejection of who we are as a person... but an utter disgust for who we are at the deepest parts of ourselves.


“Don’t leave me.”


I remember uttering those words to my second boyfriend, my voice trembling and my heart doing somersaults as he held me and promised he never would.


I remember him echoing those words back to me, utterly vulnerable for the span of a heartbeat.


It’s a phrase I’ve echoed since, to other people, if not out loud, in my mind.


It’s a phrase of utter begging... not just - stay here with me physically... but, if I show you what is underneath these layers... please show me that what’s underneath is worthy of your love.


Don't leave me.



How many of us get furious with our significant others or our friends when they don’t catch on to our mood or something we’re wanting?


When they don't fight us to tear down our walls and expose the real us underneath?


When they only love us for who they think we are?


All the while, we’ve only been showing them the portions of ourselves we deem lovable... or that we believe they might see as lovable.


It’s a catch-22.


If we reveal all, they may choose to walk away.

If we don’t reveal all, they may choose to walk away.


But if we don’t reveal all, they will never have the opportunity to love us for who we really are...

And if we do reveal all, they will have the opportunity to reject us, leave us, abandon us, knowing exactly who we are.


And for many of us, we believe that will hurt so much more than never being loved at all.


The thing is... that’s so utterly ridiculous.


I mean - it makes sense; it’s a very clever Ego-lie, designed to “protect” us from hurt feelings...


But not being hurt is not worth never experiencing the chance to be loved fully, truly, for all that we are.


And the truth of the matter is that most of us have already experienced the worst abandonment we could ever experience... because in closing ourselves of and putting on these “protective” masks... we’ve abandoned ourselves.


Which leads to the abandonment we experience with others... constantly calling us to look at the way we’ve abandoned ourselves in the face... begging us to stop rejecting ourselves over and over and over again.


Don't leave me.


I want to tell you something.


You are worthy of your own love.

The entire fucking Universe at the command of your Creator is doing everything in its power to prove that to you.


Because the one thing you can absolutely be sure of is that you have never, ever been abandoned or rejected by the Universe or by God.


And if you think you have... that’s the first place you need to start... even before your abandonment of yourself.


Every circumstance in your life where you’ve been abandoned or fear abandonment is merely reflecting your abandonment of yourself and your belief in your own... unlovableness... unenoughness.


Come home.

Take off the masks.

And hold yourself close.


You've got some healing to do.

And you're worth it.